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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in I enjoy being a girl! *yark*'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 18th, 2018
5:03 pm
Wednesday, August 30th, 2017
2:34 am
I know this place is dead, but I opened my tool box and somehow my favourite dildo has melted and I just had to tell someone.
Thursday, August 13th, 2015
3:19 pm
It rubs the lotion on its skin...
The BF and I hit the beach last wednesday. I sunscreened up to avoid a debacle like the renfest sunburn from two years ago. BF eschewed sunscreen to even himself out from his farmer's tan. BF is part Native American and turns this lovely reddish-brown in the summer. Anyway, he overdid it. Later that night he was suffering from sun poisoning, bright red and shivering. I put room-temperature aloe gel on him and it made his muscles cramp up and go shocky. Fast forward a few days and dammit you guys would have been in awe had I thought to take pictures. The blisters! Oh my gawd, they weren't huge and grotesque, but from the nape of his neck down to the cleft of his ass, from his shoulders to his nipples... his shirt was sticking to him where they popped, and then the shirts dried out in crunchy patches of dried fluid... but wait, there's more. Then he started to peel. Everywhere he went he lost flakes of skin, quarter-sized pieces fluttering from beneath his shirt... but it gets worse. The skin on his back and shoulders started to peel, and it's like these great huge thick chunks of calloused skin that don't break off but hang out until it's ALL detached... all crunchy and distracting and, I dunno, I imagine this is what an improperly-wrapped mummy looks like after a bit... after about three days of this he fiiiiinally let me cut the excess off with embroidery scissors. Ugh, skin EVERYWHERE. I spent this morning shaking out the bedding, our clothes, the couch cover, the bathmat, the towels, and I vacuumed for an hour sucking up all these epidermic leavings. It was so disgusting, but utterly fascinating. He looked like a total leper... he had this pile of skin under his computer chair... if only he could have shed in one big piece, like a snake. Thank gawd he's down to the last of the hard crunchies on his shoulders/chest, and it's just soft bits on his sides... and thank gawd it didn't damage any tattoos... And this isn't the worst he's done, he tells me. Something about being on leave in NC and burning himself purple swimming in the ocean and then doing endless pushups the next morning as so not to be charged with "damage of government property" or something... geesh. Anyway, now the skin on his upper back is baby-soft and tender, still pretty red, but he's healing.

As for myself I only had about a square foot of my upper back, above my bra band but further out than where my straps sit. Red, itchy, blistery, peely... but nowhere NEAR as horrifying/impressive as the BF.

Seriously kicking myself for not getting a picture. XD
Wednesday, August 5th, 2015
9:12 pm
Nothing like waking up because your nose has started running into your CPAP mask.

Current Mood: sick
Thursday, June 18th, 2015
1:29 am
Friend Choices
Wait wait just read the bottom area if your easily offended by talking about stereotypes.
New schools, new life. Switching schools gives you a chance to start fresh, to rewrite your past, to fix mistakes you made. No one knows you, and even if you were known as a geek in the past, the past no longer ties you down, and you could newly be known as a jock. I am deciding what friend group I should choose. My school is VERY stereotypically grouped, it is quite sad. I used to be super shy, and looked down upon myself, so I decided I could only fit in with the other anxiety filled 'weirdo' group. A geek, a nerd, and socially awkward, I decided I wasn't good enough to be anything more. Now, I have broken out of my shell, and made new friends, although I haven't pushed away any of my old friends. I have friends all over the spectrum. I am a bubbly, optimistic, and cheerful person, and I'm not trying to sound like I'm fake or patting myself on the back, that is just what my friends describe me as. Okay, so now you know my position on this. So, my mom would freak if I went all out emo or even all out plastic, she wants me to be a nice, sweet girl, not a depressed trouble maker or a snobby brat, although not all emos or plastics are like that, she would assume that is how I behaved at school if I dressed that way. I am already wiggling my way into the more fashionable side, my style being tribal/aztec patterns, jeans, bracelet bundles, loose flowey or body fitting shirts, vans, or ankle boots. Well anyway, it's still a good girl look. Everyone knows me as a good girl, I almost never even curse. But I really love the emo look! I want to become scene, but I don't know how to! How do I make that transition without freaking out my family and friends? I can't just say, "I like the look, thats all!" because they would think there's something more behind it! But along that subject yet not really, do you think if I choose the emo/scene friend group, it will rub off on me? I know that a lot of them like to do things that would be frowned upon and get me pretty much killed by my mom, like spray painting, the way they dress, um... well things, with couples... and yeah their child friendly level being a bit low... ok that was worded badly, I'm not trying to sound offensive and I know there will be hate comments, but I'm just talking if the people I do hang out with act badly, emo or not, will I end up acting so too? Whats a better fashion route for me to go; hipster or scene? Thats really all I was trying to get out of this post, the last 2 questions, sorry if it offended you, just read this part, okay?

Current Mood: okay
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014
10:12 pm
If My Period Was A Person ft. Connor Franta
The consensus among my friends on FB is that this wasn't nearly metal enough.

Monday, August 25th, 2014
10:17 pm
Thought I was cumming...
turns out I was peeing. And I just put brand new sheets on the bed yesterday.

Now the cat is helpfully pawing at the bare mattress to "cover up" my gigantic puddle while we soak it with peroxide and blot like crazy. Both sheets and the blanket are in a giant wad on the floor waiting to go downstairs. Nothing like doing laundry at midnight!

(Any suggestions for cleaning the mattress welcome.)

FML, but at least it wasn't asspee I guess...
Wednesday, July 30th, 2014
11:59 pm
It's Me, With Another Poop Story
Sooo I got really sick of my weight issue and decided to go back to hard-core low carb eating, which has helped me lose weight in the past.  I started this with a 4-day induction where, for four days, you eat less than 25g of carbs a day and a TON of fat.  Now, the easiest way to get this fat is from dairy, like...say...cream cheese.  But cream cheese makes me constipated.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Today is day 3, and I am experiencing the terrible depths of carb withdrawal sadness.  I have depression anyway, and when I cut my carbs under 50g/day, things get ugly.  Under 25g and we're in "crying on the couch because when I reach for a bottle of water my arm fat jiggled a litlte bit" territory. So I post on a forum for folks engaged in this ridiculous sacrifice to the Pantheon of Weight Loss and someone says "Have you tried Natural Calm?  It really helps." WELL! I happen to have some right here in the cabinet!  So I mix up the fizzy magnesium supplement and, indeed, about an hour later, I'm feeling pretty good. I eat one bite of a fried plantain and I feel fucking fantastic.

Fast forward two hours and I'm at a friend's house hanging out.  I begin to sense that pooping is imminent, and I have a premonition that it's going to be serious enough that being in my own house is probably best for all involved.  So I drive home, clenching my butt cheeks furiously as the "I need to go soon" transforms into "DEFCON 2!  BATTLE STATIONS!" I get into the house and halfway down the hall...when...

I pooped my pants.  I am not even kidding you, there is poop everywhere. Fortunately, I live by myself and there is a washing machine just down the hall in my building, so I was able to execute cleanup quickly.

However.  Note to self: Cut back on the magnesium the next time you feel sad.
Wednesday, June 18th, 2014
11:33 am
Everybody Poops
So for a while I've been eating my feelings about work.  That's bad, because I work in a place with pastries.  Plus, I am switching psych drugs, which believe it or not can really fuck up your digestion.

Lately I've been looking rather pregnant and none of my pants fit. I spent some time beating myself up about how I needed to eat less and exercise even more (don't ask, it's a problem) but in a fit of inspiration, I decided to try a cup of Smooth Move tea.

The next day I lost five pounds of poop.  I got on the scale and I weighed one thing, then I pooped, and I was LITERALLY FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER.  My stomach looks totally normal again.  I'm a fatty usually, but I now recognize my fat as my fat and not my fat + a 7-month-gestated-fetus.

I don't know what the hell all that stuff was, but I'm really glad it's not in there anymore. (Okay, it was probably a combination of a pastry a day for like three weeks and the gallons of zucchini soup I drink every week because HFS farmshare zucchinis.  You just can't make them all into dildos.)
Tuesday, May 13th, 2014
6:09 am
Technical Difficulties
Cross-posted from VP:

Hello all of you wonderful people!

Today (or yesterday depending on your location) I finally lost my V-Card! At age 23 no less. Better late than never, right? Anyways, I have some questions because things didn't run quite as smoothly as I'd hoped.

We had intended to participate in PIV but when he tried to enter me (and he did succeed) it felt like such an intense burning/tearing/searing pain that I couldn't take it and he had to pull out. We tried a few different times, and each time I was fairly wet so it shouldn't have been too much of an issue. He then tried to use his fingers, however one finger I could hardly register and two hurt too much, so we both ended up just masturbating while we made out (which was still amazing). I've long suspected that I may have vaginismus, especially since I went through some pretty unpleasant situations growing up (won't get too triggery here). Is there a way for us to work through this without me experiencing agonizing pain?

Another issue I had was under-sensitivity. I know every person's level of sensitivity is different, but this just didn't seem normal. He would tease my nipples with his tongue or teeth and I couldn't really feel anything, or when I did it was painful. He tried stimulating my clit but same issue: either too hard or didn't register, and that was after me telling him exactly how I do it myself. He even went down for oral which I always thought would work really well on me but I just didn't really feel anything (though he did say I was the best he ever tasted so it was not all for nothing!)

What's the deal? Is this normal? I enjoyed myself but feel it shouldn't have been this tedious.
Saturday, April 19th, 2014
7:41 pm
No, that's not helping.

A couple of days ago, I realized my nipples were tender, and from tenderness they escalated to 'unbearable soreness.' Since I'm also weeping hysterically over livestock and my cat's mere existence, I assume it's just a hormonal thing. I have the birth control implant, so pregnancy isn't likely. But my devoted partner pulled out an ice cube and attempted to ice my nipples to see if it would help, and the result was that my nipples scrunched up at the cold and made everything A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE. It's as bad as it was when I had the twins pierced and one of them got infected. And of course my partner is just a hopeless, habitual boob grabber, so I am spending a lot of time smacking his hands away, and things are somewhat strained. Sigh.

Thursday, April 10th, 2014
3:09 am
I have officially had my period for over two weeks straight. MAKE IT STOOOOOP. D: It's not a light flow either, it's super heavy and I'm going through pads like crazy. I just want to be able to have sex and not be on the hormone crazy train, why is that so hard?!
Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
2:56 am
There is no better feeling of security and relief in the world that compares to a fresh jumbo pack of pantiliners, a jumbo box of baby wipes and new soft, comfortable undies. Ahhhh.

Current Mood: relieved
Friday, February 14th, 2014
9:50 pm
Ahh, V-Day.
It's Valentines' evening, and my boyfriend had to work.

So, I've spent the whole night masturbating, playing videogames, and drinking chocolate milk.

I'm going to be 32 next Friday, so early happy birthday to me I guess? lol
Thursday, February 13th, 2014
7:46 pm
facial hair

mostly because I really can't tell this to anyone else:


I was complimenting my fiance on his hair cut when I noticed that his beard looked a lot shorter. I asked why he cut it so short, thinking that he made a mistake or misjudged what he was doing like he has before.  his response?


I wanted to go down on you without tickling your asshole.


this is both one the most romantic and hilarious things he has said to me.

5:42 pm
Human mouths are so gross.
(This one is NOT for you if you're squicked by things about teeth.)

I woke up with the most horrible pain around my lower right molar this morning. The tissue was swollen and hard and managed to ache and burn at the same time. But I had to open at work, so it hurt like that all day until finally I could come home and deal with it.

I got out my trusty floss and went to work. I dug actual fucking pus out from around my tooth! It was slimy and bloody and that weird yellowish color of WRONG. What the fuck?! (It tastes NASTY AS SHIT, in case you were wondering.) But my mouth still hurt a lot, and it started to feel like there was something in there, so I very delicately kept going...

And pulled a teeny-tiny splinter of chicken bone out of my gum pocket. Apparently, when I made chicken soup last night, I strained every last bone out of it except for that one, which then snuggled up next to my tooth and wreaked glorious hell for the next twelve hours. Motherfucker.

But hey, I got to scrape pus out of a gum pocket for the first time in my life! Which was disgusting but oddly satisfying! Then I rinsed with warm salt water, and the pain and swelling are already vanishing. Better luck next time, chicken bone.
Tuesday, January 14th, 2014
3:18 pm
thanks body

there are so many awesome things coming out of my body.


I am getting over a nasty cold. my head is still stuffy. my nose is alternately blocked, clear and boogery, or drippy like a faucet. I have a wonderful, hacking cough and a corresponding sore throat. the little phlegm that does come up is really thick and tastes funky. my mouth and teeth feel like a toilet from all the cough drops ive been eating. tonight, im taking my brother to his first wrestling show - super exciting! did I mention that my vagina also had to throw in her bloody two cents, about 12 hours early? bodies are so fun sometimes!

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014
10:40 pm
I'm working out with our local roller derby - working on being on the team.

It's great fun, and I knew I was in with the right crowd tonight. We were practicing hits, and afterward we were resetting (adjusting our pads, getting our bearings back), when one of my fellow New Girls turned to the Veteran she was paired with and complained:

"I think you knocked my tampon out."

... I love derby.
Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
11:04 pm
"I'll be right back with you."
Hey.  It's me again.

So I got this cold that made my toothache/ear pain look like a goddamn walk in the park. My Eustachian tubes are all kinds of jacked up. Snot has been rocketing out of my head for days, which is unfortunate because I make coffee for eight hours at a time. I'm basically chained to an espresso machine (a Simonelli Aurelia semiautomatic, for those playing at home) because I don't have a relief. (Did you know at Starbucks you can't be on an espresso machine for longer than 15 minutes at a time?  It's true!  Because Starbucks doesn't want people to get the kinds of repetitive motion injuries I have from dosing, tamping, and pulling 200 to 300 shots of espresso in a shift in our little slice of indie coffee hell.)

ANYWAY so my cold seems to be abating. However, the nasal mucous of old has been replaced by HOLY FUCKING SHIT LOTS OF BLOOD that I just sneeze out at random times.  Yesterday  I was on my way to the bathroom to try to stanch the flow of blood from my nose whilst also covering my face to conceal the extant flood from customers. My ass-hat manager* stops me and starts telling me about where he's been hiding the FUCKING WHITE SUGAR PACKETS.  At first I try listening, but I'm bleeding.  My whole hand is covered in blood and I can feel it about to run down my chin.  Blah blah blah spare packets blah blah blah don't like white sugar but some people blah blah blah until FINALLY I grab his arm and say, in my best Kanye West voice, "That's great, and I'ma let you finish.  But I have a nosebleed.  Lemme go fix it, and I'll be right back with you."

Then I moved my hand away from my face momentarily.

His look of horror alllmost made the cold worth it.

*Think "manager who does cocaine in the back room but is best friends with the owner and also consistently fails to reorder the supplies we need to keep the business running."
Monday, November 4th, 2013
8:58 pm
Blood explosion!

I got my period today & for the past 2 months I've been having issues with my menstrual cup opening up correctly on the first day.

So, I'm in the bathroom adjusting my cup & once I get it out to reinsert....POP! It unfolded & blood splattered on the walls about a foot above my head!

I wish I could've shown my boyfriend but I'm sure he would've been disturbed by it.

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